Just When You're Leaving
by magenta13
Summary: After his many near-death experiences during Setup/Countdown, Castle has decided it's time to turn in his "WRITER" vest. Does this mean he is out of Beckett's life for good?


Upon hearing the DING of the elevator, Kate looked up from her paperwork. She was disappointed yet again at the discovery that its occupant wasn't her writer shadow. _Where is he?_ She was angry at herself for getting so worked up about him being a little late. He normally arrived at 10:30 am on the dot and now that 11:30 had rolled around and he hadn't called, she found it impossible to concentrate on her work. She told herself that it was because she was waiting for him to bring her coffee, but the truth was she hadn't slept well last night and she could really use his presence for a little pick me up. He had a lightness about him, an infectious cloud of good humor that she found herself needing. However, things had been different lately.

They'd had quite a few close calls with death during the terrorist incident a few weeks ago, and that would shake anyone. Hell, she was still having nightmares about it but she thought he would've bounced back by now. He was distant and distracted, which made her crave his joie de vivre even more. The hours he spent watching her do paperwork now morphed into hours of gazing off into space, obviously thinking some very deep thoughts. She had asked him about it before but he always replied that everything was fine. Today though, she planned on breaking out the big guns. If necessary, she would handcuff him to her desk and leave him there until he told her what was going on with him. Maybe _that_ was why she was so anxious to see him.

Finally, at 11:45, Castle walked into the precinct. Beckett smiled when she saw him get off the elevator but the smile slipped from her face as she took in his appearance. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. His eyes were dark and rather than the charming grin he usually gave to the detectives as he passed by, he wasn't making eye contact with any of them. To her chagrin, he also wasn't carrying any coffee.

"Hey, Castle. You ok?" she said with concern as he approached her desk.

His face softened a bit at her obvious worry. "Yeah. I'm fine."

There it was again, the _'I'm fine'. _She was just about to take out her handcuffs when he spoke again.

"I need to talk to you about something. Can we go somewhere a little more private?"

"Sure" she said standing up and leading him into the empty interview room.

The room was small but comfortable; designed to make witnesses feel at ease when giving their statements. Subconsciously, she hoped the intimate setting would help him open up. She pulled out a chair from the table and sat down. Instead of taking the chair opposite her, Castle came around to her side and sat down on the table itself, close to her, but not too close. She stared up at him with a question in her eyes.

"Observant detective that you are, I'm sure you've noticed that I've been a little withdrawn lately".

"I may have noticed, yes" she replied sarcastically, hoping to bring a little levity to this obviously serious conversation. But when he didn't laugh, she matched his sincere tone. "I've been kind of worried about you". Her honesty surprised even her. Normally, she would never say something like that to Castle.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I've just been doing a lot of thinking".

Her heart sank at these words. She could feel that everything was about to change. "About what?" she managed to push past the lump in her throat.

"About this re… arrangement we have" he stuttered. He had almost called it a relationship but fortunately recovered quickly before she caught on. Afraid to lose his nerve, he continued. "I think it's time that I stop shadowing you."

Not only was her heart sinking now, it had hit the floor. She blinked and shook her head in surprise. "Castle, if this is about the bomb threat, we should talk about it. It was a scary thing but that doesn't mean you should just…"

"It's not" he interrupted. "It freaked me out, yes, but I can handle it. This isn't about that. It's about Alexis."

"Alexis?"

"Yeah. As much as our near-death experiences scared me, it scared her even more. I mean, jeez, Beckett. We almost died three times in two days!"

She didn't know how to respond so she just let him continue.

"She's not sleeping, she doesn't want to go to school, and she hasn't been herself. Alexis knows how much I love working with you so she would never ask me to quit, but every time I leave for the precinct she gets so scared. I can't do that to her anymore" he paused, debating whether to open himself up further to her. "I love my Mother but I had a lonely childhood. I know how it feels to not have anyone to count on. I don't want that for her. I don't want her to feel like I'm not going to be around when she needs me."

She was stunned. He was really leaving. If it were any reason other than Alexis, she was sure that she could get him to stay. She was speechless.

"I'm sorry to drop this on you. I know it's sudden. I just can't think of any other way to fix this."

"I understand" was all she could bring herself to say. She felt like she had just been punched in the stomach and found herself unable to look at him any longer.

"I can't tell you how much these past few years have meant to me. It's been a lot of fun and don't tell anyone, but I feel like I grew up a little bit. And that's all because of you". She didn't want to meet his eyes but he brought a hand tenderly under chin and forced her to look up at him. "I want you to know that when I said 'always', I meant it, Kate. If you ever need anything, you call me. I'll be here".

He leaned forward and kissed her sweetly on the forehead and without a word, walked out of the precinct for the last time.

Kate sat in that interview room in a daze for a good hour before being shaken awake by the buzzing of her cell phone. She opened it to find a text from Lanie.

_Heard writer boy is giving up his position as resident wiseass._

**How do you know about that already? **Kate shouldn't have been surprised. Gossip spreads through the 12th like a little girls sleepover party.

_Esposito. I guess Castle called to tell him and Ryan the news. _

**It's good he told them personally. They have mega man crushes on him. It would've broken their hearts if he left without saying goodbye.** She was hurting. She had accepted that. But there was no reason anyone else needed to know. Sarcasm was the best defense, she decided.

_You ok?_

**Of course. It was just a little sudden**_**. **_

_It's a slow day here in the land of the dead. I got some time, you wanna talk about it? We could have lunch?_

**Josh is picking me up to go to lunch in a few minutes but thanks anyway. I'm ok. Really. **

_When you stop lying to yourself, you know where I am. Have a good lunch :)  
_

Lanie's blunt text astonished her. Was it really that obvious? Could everyone see how much she had come to depend on Castle? How much she wanted him around? The questions that were whirling through her head were interrupted by a soft knock on the door and she looked up to find a smiling Josh waiting to take her to lunch.

Kate kept pretty quiet throughout the meal. When he asked what was wrong, she just said that she had a lot on her mind. She didn't want to tell Josh that Castle had left. As if telling him made Castle's departure even more real.

* * *

**Two weeks later:**

The days went by with Kate refusing to acknowledge the situation. She used Josh as an excuse to avoid Lanie. She wasn't ready to face the questions she knew the ME would ask. She also used Lanie as an excuse to avoid Josh. She needed some space, some time to think and having him around made her feel smothered somehow. So, as was custom for her, she threw herself into work, even using her spare time to work on cold cases. She did everything she could think of to keep Castle off her mind but every time that damn elevator would DING she unconsciously looked up, hoping it would be him. Finally, on the morning she nearly ripped Velasquez' head off for moving _his _chair, she decided enough was enough. She needed to talk to Lanie and figure out some way to get Castle out of her system.

"Well, well, well…" said the ME as Kate walked into the morgue holding a coffee for herself and a hot chocolate for her friend. "Finally decided to stop ducking me, I see."

"I wasn't _ducking_ you!" Kate responded exasperatedly. She was defensive because she knew that that was exactly what she had been doing.

"Girl, I'm in a relationship with Javier Esposito. You think I don't know when someone is ducking me?"

"Touché."

"Mmmhmm. So, how you been?"

"Ok, I guess. Staying pretty busy at work."

"Yeah, I heard something about you turning into a one-woman criminal wrecking crew".

Kate wanted to keep pretending that she was fine but something about Lanie's statement made her feel so alone. She had no partner now. She had no Castle.

"It's weird not having him around anymore. He was here for so long, I got used to him. I just wish we'd had more time."

"Well, you two did make a good team. The way you finished each other's sentences was so cute it made some people want to puke, but it seemed to work pretty well for you." Lanie knew there was much more to their relationship than work, but sometimes it was better not to push and instead let Kate arrive at her own conclusions.

"I miss him" Kate said in a voice so soft, Lanie almost didn't catch it.

"I know you do."

"It's not just the work stuff that I miss though. I miss being around him. I miss the way he made me feel. And that scares the hell out of me."

"I'm not surprised that it scares you. You're starting to admit to yourself that Castle was more than just your partner, more than just your friend. That's big for you."

"What does it even mean though? I already have a guy! A smart, handsome, successful guy who likes to cure sick African babies in his free time! And here I am pining for a rich playboy who's probably working on wife number three as we speak."

Lanie gave her friend a moment to compose herself after her outburst before speaking again. "I think you've learned by now that Richard Castle is much more than that. I also think that if you still can't see the way he feels about you after all this time, then you need to have your head examined."

"He's risky, Lanie."

"I'll give you that."

"But the heart wants what it wants" Kate finished, solemnly echoing the words that Castle had said to her so long ago.

"That's what they say." The ME said, hoping that her friend had finally seen the light. "So what're you gonna do about it?" Despite her hopes, she could tell by the look on Kate's face, she would be disappointed by the answer.

"Let him go. Wait until my heart wants someone else."

* * *

**ANOTHER two weeks later:**

After leaving the precinct, Castle had expected to feel relief. Instead what he felt was a gaping hole in his soul. Alexis was his world and he would do whatever it takes to make her feel secure, but walking away from Beckett had been harder than he ever imagined. The month following his departure had been excruciating. He was dying to call her. He missed her more than he ever thought possible. He wanted to run to her, apologize, take her in his arms and promise to bring her coffee every day for the rest of their lives if she would just take him back. If he had some idea of how much he cared for her before he left, being separated from her made his feelings concrete. One night, he even ended up at her door but turned around before knocking. He knew she was probably upset with him and it was better that he leave her alone and let her get on with her life, she had Josh after all. But that didn't stop him from wanting her.

After telling Alexis that he had quit, she was utterly relieved but felt guilty. He reassured her that it was his own choice; that the job was getting too dangerous and he need time to write anyway. She only half believed him but when she started sleeping through the night again, he stopped beating himself up over it. Even having his Alexis be herself again couldn't soothe the ache in his heart. He spent his nights engulfed in the fantasy world of Nikki and Rook because being with her on the page was better than not being with her at all.

Which was why he was still awake, lost in his fiction on one particularly lonely night when he heard a tentative knock. He opened the door to find a casually dressed, very tired, very angry Kate Beckett.

"Beckett!" he exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing here? Is… is everything ok?" He was thoroughly confused, both by her presence and by her rage.

"No, Castle, everything is not ok." She pushed passed him through the door and into the loft.

"Kate, what's going on? Are you alright?"

"You know what? I'm not alright! I've been pretending to be alright for so long now, but I'm tired of it. I'm frustrated and mad and so tired! Ok!"

"Ok." He didn't know what else to say. In fact, he was pretty sure if he opened his mouth again, she might very well shoot him. So he half-sat, half-leaned on the arm of the sofa as she paced back and forth in front of him.

"And the other thing is I feel like a complete idiot for coming here! And that makes me even madder!"

"Why don't we start with you telling me why you're so angry, and go from there."

"YOU, CASTLE! I'm angry because of you!" she said poking him hard in the chest with her finger.

"Me?" he whined defensively, looking as innocent as possible. "Why? What did I do?"

"You were you! God! You are so infuriating! You barge into my life with no sense of boundaries or privacy, you dive into my Mother's case without permission, you flirt with anything with boobs and you're always touching things that aren't supposed to be touched! But all of these annoying qualities end up combining to make you all… likeable and charming so when I finally get used to your bullshit, it turns out that I actually like having you around! But then, it gets worse because you start tearing down all of these walls that I've worked _so hard_ to keep up! But does any of that matter to you? No! I bet you don't even know you're doing it!"

He started to interrupt but she silenced him quickly by holding up her hand.

"Shut up, Castle. I'm on a roll here. Where was I?" She stopped her agitated pacing and tried to remember what she was saying before he interrupted her rant.

"Um… walls?"

"Right…" The pacing resumed. "So you tear down all these walls and you tell me that you'll always be there for me and then you just walk away? What is that? So now I'm pissed at you! I'm pissed at you for leaving me, I'm pissed at you for making me miss you, I'm pissed at you because I can't sleep at night, I'm pissed at you because I just broke up with my super hot doctor boyfriend and I'm pissed at you for making me feel like such a freaking sap!"

She finished her tirade and he stood in shocked silence for a few moments. Just when she was about to turn and leave, he finally spoke up.

"So, you're pissed?" A small smile found her lips at his joke so he continued. "I wasn't really listening."

"Don't be an ass. You heard me."

"Loud and clear. What would you say if I told you that it's been tearing me up inside not seeing you every day and that you haven't left my mind since the last time I saw you?" he said, taking a step forward.

"I'd say that's a start." Her smile grew with relief at his words.

He took another step towards her. "What would you say if I told you that even though I can't come back to the precinct, I wanna see outside of work?" His smile was also no longer a small one but full, joyous and beaming; holding nothing back.

"I would say that if I could have you when I get off work, maybe I wouldn't miss you so much when I'm _at_ work." Now it was her turn to take a step towards him.

"And what would you say if I told you that that was the best speech ever?"

"I would say…" She reached out and grabbed the front of his shirt pulling him to her. She looked up into his eyes and could feel his breath dance across her lips. "Are you gonna kiss me or not?"

* * *

A/N: I found myself wondering how Alexis would react to all of this danger that Castle has found himself in lately, and this scenario popped into my head. There are a TON of post-Countdown fics out there right now so I hope this wasn't overkill for you all. This feels a little out of character to me, but I'd love to hear what you think, especially regarding the dialogue. Review and let me know :)


End file.
